Cheeseburger Gauntlet Day 7 – Flip

Finally the last day of the Cheeseburger Gauntlet is upon us. This has become a far more difficult experience than I ever thought it would be, although some of it is due to some rather odd personal choices I made in the 36 hours leading up to this cheeseburger.

One of my best friends, Tiffany from the Grindhouse episode, managed to finish her MBA last Tuesday and get engaged Friday night at Antico where we all dined on Pizza. Did I mention she also moved to Cincinnati?  So we through her a going away pool party on Saturday for which I smoked a ton of pork and chicken wings.

Leading up to this last cheeseburger I had, in succession; cheeseburger, pizza, champagne, barbecue, wings, beer, other adult beverages and tasty brownies. Getting to this last burger was a Herculean effort. But I did it much to my cholesterol level’s chagrin. Joining in on this swan song to beef are Cheeseburger Gauntlet are Stefan, Valerie, and Emily.

Day seven’s burger is from Flip Burger Boutique. Flip is actually a very cool place. It’s possibly 14% trendier than it needs to be in terms of feel and decor, but it works. You can go with friends, a date or even entertain a client there and not feel out of place. The service is also fantastic. Flip is the brain child of former Top Chef finalist Richard Blais, so the expectations are high for it.  You know what? Let’s just look at the burger, I can’t go any further without you seeing it.

The sexiest burger in America

The burger is in front, behind it was the “burger” of the day, a lobster roll. This is the most visually beautiful burger we’ve had the entire Gauntlet. Its so well composed and thought out.  Nothing is out of place, everything is the right size and right proportions so that you can taste everything in every bite. We joked that when they came up with the burger that they debated 3 pickles versus 4 pickles. And while joking I’m fairly sure that some version of that conversation probably did occur.  The burger is perfectly cooked medium. The meat is extremely tasty. The only thing I think that detracts from the taste of the meat is the mix of meat they use to make the burger. It could have used a tiny bit more of something. But I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it could be salt or maybe a bit more fat, but this is all minor quibbles to be honest. From the first bite we all know this is a Top 3 contender.

The beef is certified organic, the bun is custom baked for Flip, the condiments are house made, and the toppings are fresh and seasonal. The burger at Flip is a little over 5 oz. It’s just small enough for you to order 2 or 3, but big enough that if you and a friend get different burgers you can share. This burger may be a hybrid in all the best ways of Farm Burger and Holeman  &  Finch. There are choices to be had, but only the choices the menu gives you.  The good thing is our server still asks if we want the burgers the way they came or without some of the toppings. It’s like your favorite band, playing your favorite standard live. We all know the words and how they fit together, its just a matter of how well its done. For me its Outkast covering the Rolling Stones. Admit it… you want to hear Andre 3000 covering “Satisfaction”.

Another thing it has in common with the best burger on the list so far, Holeman & Finch, is that we actually liked talking about the burger. No matter how sophisticated you may be, the sheer pleasure of eating the cheeseburger from Flip overwhelms you. Its legitimately faithful to the idea of the cheeseburger but plays with some of the concepts at the same time. I honestly don’t know how to grade this burger. It’s definitely an “A”, just a matter of if it gets an “A+”.

I’m going to give it an A+, but I’m still going to rank it slightly behind Holeman & Finch. But it’s close. If it were a game the score would be 99-98.

Cheeseburger Gauntlet Day 6 – Yeah Burger

America, I can feel my arteries closing. But I’m not a quitter so the Gauntlet continues. However the Gauntlet has begun to take a toll on others. For today’s cheeseburger we were down to Stefan and myself. I don’t blame them to be honest because the day five burger from Grindhouse was easily still in my stomach. But we soldiered on to Yeah Burger.

The thing about Yeah Burger is that its perfect for Atlanta. I mean that in every good and bad possible interpritation. Yeah Burger has opened with tons of fan fare and hoopla. Far more than any of the other burger places that have gotten with the possible exception of Day Seven’s Flip. Flip’s buzz came from Richard Blais’ stint on Top Chef. To be honest with you other than the fact that it is part of the White Provision development, I’m not sure of how the buzz was really earned. Yes, Shaun Doty’s other resteraunt Shaun’s is good, but to generate the amount of buzz that it got was the perfect storm of time, place, people, and culinary craze.

Yeah Burger sits on the West Side of Atlanta not far from Day 3′s Bocado. It’s a great space and with the exception of a couple of lime green walls a fairly cool space. The patio is huge and should be fun come fall or spring. The set up is the same “counter service” experience where you order, find a seat and your food is brought out to you. The menu is a little different from some of the other places Stefan noticed. Every other place we’ve eaten offers you either a singular burger prepared the way they’ve decided you should enjoy it, or they offer some guidance with a few burgers they’ve come up with as a culinary spring board. Yeah Burger is the Wild Wild West. A menu of meats, bread and toppings displayed before you and a you have from the time you get to the door to the the time you get to the register to order to know what your game plan is.

Stefan and I both ordered the double cheeseburger with cheddar, onions, mustard, the 50/50 mix of fries and onion rings and bacon jam to dip them in. Stefan actually got ketchup on his burger as well. Let’s take a look at the burger.

Yeah Burger

America, if pictures are worth a 1000 words, the first word out of this picture’s mouth is: lazy.

I’ve eaten a whole lot of places in my life and there have been a couple of food things that have stuck with me. One of those things is that food should look appetizing. I’ve gotten better looking burgers at fast food joints. I don’t mind a messy looking burger but this is the definition of “meh”. I hate to say it but the best thing about the burger is the Holeman and Finch bun. That was the high note of the burger. The cheese was okay, the toppings were decent, but the meat was overcooked. The worst part is that you could tell it tasted good about 15 degrees before that, but now it was tasty greyish meat product.

I wanted to keep the integrity of the burger gauntlet in tact by not adding toppings I hadn’t used before. In order to get this burger down my throat I started dipping it into ketchup like a chicken nugget. The problems with this burger seem to result from the process. It’s a long wait, we went during the lunch rush. But I take no excuses. When all you make are burgers you should have the process down in your 4th month of operation. I think Yeah Burger has saved Bocado and moved into the basement. This burger gets a C- at best and some of that is extra credit from the bacon jam and the Holeman and Finch bun.

If you are a burger restaurant, you need to have that part of the process down like clock work.

Cheeseburger Gauntlet Day – 5; Grindhouse

America, I think I’m in pain.

The fifth cheeseburger has me in a figure four leg lock like Rick Flair. The burger wants me to tap out, but I won’t. I’m not a quitter. So my increasingly more clogged arteries and I present to you this blog entry.

We switched to lunch for day 5 because I play kickball in the afternoon. One of the newer places in town to grab a burger is Grindhouse. Grindhouse is located in the Auburn Ave. Farmer’s Market just near Grady Hospital.  You should be going to that market anyhow. It’s not as diverse as the Dekalb Farmer’s Market, but their meat prices are incredible. In addition to all the food vendors there are quite a few restaurants in the building, Grindhouse being one of them.

I will say that one of the coolest things about the day’s burger is the number of friends I ran into while there. I ran into two guys I work with. I also ran into two other friends I don’t get to see as often. One of them was getting a buger right in front of us in line.  I also had the largest group with me for this stop. There were the now featured players of Stefan, Emily, and Valerie, with special guest stars Tiffany and Dori. Dori is Stefan’s fiancée who we’ve managed to pull from a mountain of paperwork. Tiffany is one of my best friends who’s moving in less than 4 days to Cincinnati. She’s never eaten at Grindhouse so I decide to spoil her for the day and buy her a cheeseburger.

So the set up at Grindhouse is much like the setup at Farm Burger. You order and pay first picking all your toppings for your burger which is brought out to you. Its a lunch counter setup so its not as communal as the other places. Your limited to “line of sight” conversation.  But it’s sort of fun eating in the farmer’s market. There’s always a ton of energy around. It’s very clean so you don’t smell anything from any of the other stalls either.

Now on to the burger. The meat at Grindhouse is 100% Angus which is ground and cooked when you order. The bun is a potato bun which is a first for the gauntlet. It’s cooked on the griddle to order. Let’s take a look shall we?

Grindhouse Burger

It had to happen eventually.

Welcome to the most disappointing burger so far. This cheeseburger was a gut bomb. It felt like a small family of refugees moved into my belly and Wyclef Jean decided to throw a benefit concert for them.

The saddest part about the entire thing is that it’s not that bad of a burger… if you hadn’t had something to compare it to recently. But we have and we are keeping score. The thing is that it is a tasty burger once you get to the flavor of it. I like the grind on the meat, I like the flavor of the sear. But the burger was just too greasy.

Every burger thus far has been just as filled with toppings and the same amount of meat, but all were neater and easier to eat. This burger was stacked haphazardly and just kind of presented to us.  Everyone else was able to fit 5-8 ozs on a bun with no problems. but Grindhouse was too “sloppy”.  We all really wanted to like the burger, but the greasiness turned us all against it. Getting up from the counter felt like the beginning of the old Kung Fu series were David Carradine is walking through the desert with the pan flute playing in the background.

This is the burger I want at 2 AM after a night of drinking and shenanigans. It’s heavy, greasy and would soak up at least 10 drinks. But for lunch its way too heavy. I had to suffer to make it through the last two bites and I barely touched the fries.  Stefan’s opinion is that its because there wasn’t a full 24 hours between this burger and the last one, but even people who didn’t have the burger the day before thought it was heavy.

My grade for this burger is a C. Bocado is no longer at the bottom. The grease on this burger won’t let me give it a higher score. Maybe if I were drunk the grade would be higher, but I wasn’t so this is the grade they get.

Cheeseburger Gauntlet Day 4 – Anne’s no… wait Georges!

Hey everybody. Wednesday was supposed to be make or break day for the Cheeseburger Gauntlet. We were supposed to go to Anne’s Snack Bar for the (im)famous Ghetto Burger. For those who don’t know what the Ghetto Burger is, its a double chili cheese bacon burger with all the toppings. It’s the closest thing you’ll get to a Momma Burger.

Ahhh Remember when Eddie Murphy was funny?

Anyhow,  we get there at 6:50 to find that Anne is closed even though the sign says she’s open until 9. And I’d even driven past the two previous nights to ensure she was open. But none of that matters with Anne. She closed early because that’s what Anne does.

So this could turn out to be a major hiccup right? Nope we immediately started brainstorming places to go instead. Rathbun Steak was our first thought, but none of us were dressed for it. Cabbage Town Market was also a thought but we assumed they would be closed as well. Ted’s and the Votex were mentioned before being laughed off. Stefan then suggested Georges in the Highlands, and off we went. Like I said in the Day One entry, I trust Stefan’s food choices with out reserve. If he were to suggest a Taco Bell location I’d give it a try.

George’s is in the Highland’s next to Moe’s and Joe’s. It has the look of a family style dive bar. Its adorned with neon beer signs, nostalgic signs and everything is shellacked for easy clean up. There are three TVs showing the Braves game visible from my seat alone. There are few families with (thankfully well behaved) kids. The only odd thing I notice is the number of people who are obviously runners or bicyclists, and that’s only odd because of the numbers of them. Joining in on the day are Stefan, Emily from day 1 and Valerie from day 2. With four people this is our biggest group so far.

Per the rules of the Gauntlet I order a cheeseburger with grilled onions and only add mustard. Lets take a look at the burger shall we?

Georges Cheeseburger

The cheesburger at George’s comes with quite possibly the most options for a basic cheeseburger so far on the Gauntlet. You have an option of two patty sizes (5oz or 8oz), the temperature you’d like it cooked to, and a choice of four cheeses (Cheddar, Swiss, American, or Provalone) and for 75 cents extra you can get grilled onions. My order is the 5 oz burger with cheddar and the grilled onions.

This burger may be the most surprising of all the burgers tasted so far because it was such an unknown quantity. I think only Stefan had heard about it being a great place for a burger. I had only heard about getting a great burger there earlier in the week due to a friends post on Facebook. Emily and Valerie had never heard of George’s at all based on our conversations.

You know what America? Georges makes a damn fine cheeseburger.

The cheeseburger comes on a really tasty whole wheat bun which is unexpected. The meat is perfectly cooked and may be the most evenly seasoned of all the burgers we tasted. The burger is also the first grilled burger we’ve eaten and the taste of the grill char is perfect. It made a liar of me when I said Farm Burger was the burger we all want to make at home. George’s makes the burger you want to make at home. There is no spiel about anything being organic or house made. The condiments all come from Heinze bottles.  The cheese is probably from Kraft.  And none of that matters. The burger is fine.

The toppings all fit the burger perfectly with the exception of the grilled onions which are haphazardly chopped, and it was only the bigger chunks that came out. The cheese melted perfectly as you can see in the picture. Emily brought up one thing that none of us had thought about before; the bun wasn’t soggy. So far all four burgers have been perfectly moist with no soggy bun like Eddie mentioned. It’s such a non-thought usually but there is an element of respect for the burger involved. When the burger is done, its brought out to the patron immediately not allowing the juices from the burger to seep into the bun. Instead they end up in your mouth where they belong.

The grade for this burger is an A. We all agreed. There was some dispute about the fact I took points away from Farm Burger for using regular condiments, but not deducting points at George’s for the same infraction. My reasoning is that since Farm Burger makes it a point of how much of their food is locally grown and house made that they set the expectation.  The only only promise you a great burger at George’s and they deliver.  I’d also like to add that this is the cheapest burger so far, its under $10 for a burger with onion rings.

For those keeping score at home the current ratings are as follows.

1. Holeman & Finch
2. Georges
3. Farm Burger
4. Bocado

Next up Grindhouse!

Cheeseburger Gauntlet Day 3 – Bocado

Hey kids, so I’ve made it through day three of the cheeseburger gauntlet and my heart hasn’t exploded yet. I’m thankful for that, but I’m pretty sure my heart may go on strike due to the burgers plus the one hour workouts I’ve been going through just to maintain some level of health. But enough of that, we’ve got a burger to talk about.

Day Three’s burger is from Bocado. It’s one of those semi-swanky places over on the west side of Atlanta. All the tables appear to be 2 tops that are pushed together to make bigger tables. I got there at 7 since I didn’t make a reservation and the place was damn near empty, maybe a total of five people. But the place looks fantastic. Its clean, has a couple of fun looking patios and doesn’t have house music blaring at you to make you feel trendy. The hosts/servers reminded me of those people that sit at the sides of the net at tennis matches. While I waited for Stefan to join me, they brought me water and then they surveyed the room waiting for the slightest hint to pounce into action. One raised eyebrow and they were at your table like a service ninja.

The cool thing about going to Bocado on Tuesday is that they have a deal where you get the burger, fries and a beer all for $12. Once Stefan arrived we both ordered that.  The only choices you are given with the Bocado burger is how you’d like it cooked and what side you’d like along with it. It’s a lot like Day 1 stop Holeman & Finch in that way. You order it and it’s prepared the way the chef thinks you should eat it.

The Bocado burger is a griddled double cheeseburger. It consists of two 3-4 ounce patties made of house ground brisket, beef short rib and organic ground beef. There are two slices of American cheese, a few house made bread and butter pickles and a little bit of mayo on a sesame seed bun.  It did come with some sort of dressing/sauce on the side but due to the rules I have to abide by that was used for dipping the very tasty Belgian fries.  Want take a look at it? Here ya go.

Bocado Burger

Every so often I like to do something crazy like name my food. I decided to name this cheeseburger Esther. Why? Because Esther is the name of a salty old woman that’s set in her ways and if you don’t like it too bad. But on the other hand Esther is a good woman if you can put up with her tendencies. This burger is just like Esther. It’s greater than the sum of its parts. If you get a bite of everything it all tastes fantastic together. How ever if you don’t you get a blast of Esther’s fury. How about a little cheeseburger CSI?

The good things about this burger:

• Perfect bun size – there’s no “extra bun”
• The bun tastes great – there’s a ton of burgers out there where the bun is merely a delivery system.
• The sweet bread and butter pickles are EXACTLY what this burger needs.
• The cheese melt factor is key. Notice in the picture how the cheese comes to the edge of each patty, but no further?
• The burger has a great “spill” ratio. I only lost one pickle while eating this burger.
• It’s also a very clean burger, no messy hands .

Now on to the two very big cons of this burger.

• This is by far the saltiest non-fast food burger I’ve ever had. Remember the pickles I mentioned in the pros section? They were the only thing that could temper the sodium assault.  If I had gotten a bit of pickle in every bite I wouldn’t have noticed it. But that didn’t happen and the salty taste got overwhelming in some bites. We both ordered desserts just to have something sweet to counter point Esther’s saltiness.
• The cheese choice also lost points for me. Every other burger used cheddar and this burger used American. I don’t know if it was the brand or the thickness of the slice but it had a very velveeta taste and texture too it.  It was dairy napalm that stuck to your tongue. I don’t know if a thinner slice or a different cheese is the answer.
• My last point of contention has more to do with the process than the burger itself. The burger may be the most democratic food outside of the taco when it comes to topping possibilities.  To not be given a little container of ketchup or mustard borders on fascist.  I understand the chef wants it to be eaten the way he’s prepared it, but the burger is such an individual thing that a container of condiments shouldn’t harm the concept he has in mind. It works for Holeman & Finch, why not here?

So on to the grading. I really really want to give this burger a C+, but Stefan reminded me of all the good bites Esther and I had together and thinks Esther deserves a B.  So I’m going to split the difference and give it a B-.  but that’s only after a call from a parent and a generous donation to the construction of the new library on campus.

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Cheeseburger Gauntlet Day 2 – Farm Burger

Hey every one, for day two of this culinary odyssey we venture to Farm Burger over in Decatur.

The burger at farm burger may be about as healthy a burger as you can get in someways. From the website:

“Our burgers are made from 100% grassfed beef that is dry-aged for two weeks and ground daily. Our cows are raised on the sweet grasses of the southeast, and never fed antibiotics, hormones, or grain.”

I don’t know all the science behind that but the result is one tasty burger.  I’m accompanied on this trip by Stefan who is in for all seven days. Joining in as a special guest star is two fisted journalist Valerie. Valerie is also providing the picture of the day’s burger.  The environment at Farm Burger is very communal. There is limited seating so patrons are asked to share tables. There’s  a constant buzzing about the place. You can laugh loudly and no one will care. People show up fresh from both meetings and workouts and don’t seem out of place.

The burger at Farm Burger is a bit of a do it yourself burger. You pick your meat and toppings when you order, you go and find a seat then your food arrives at your table. The toppings are split in to three categories; free (lettuce, tomato, the basics), $1 toppings ( fried egg, caramelized onions, better cheese) and $2 toppings (brisket chili, gruyere, oxtail marmalade). There is one $3 topping, roasted bone marrow. But for the sake of consistancy and fairness I’ve decided to keep the burgers as similar as possible. The only toppings I’ll be eating this week with one exception are mustard, onion, and cheddar cheese. I figure I should keep some consistency where I can. Now on to the glorious burger.

Farm Burger

Looks amazing doesn’t it. The burger here is a lot less formal than the previous burger. The buns aren’t house made, but they are very good and they are buttered and cooked on the griddle briefly. It’s a single 8 ounce griddled patty as opposed to a double. The cheese is white cheddar. The caramelized red onions are sweet and have just the right amount of grill taste. One of the advantages to the ordering style at Farm Burger is that its obvious the chefs have done the right amount of engineering homework to ensure that 99% of your toppings stay on the bun. No matter how much you order, within reason, they know how much to put on the bun to get you the flavor, but give you a structurally sound burger.  I think I only lost two onions off my cheeseburger, and they still found their way into my mouth via the fries. The other cool thing is that the ingredients are all local to the degree possible. I doubt anything we ate was from more than 200 miles away from the restaurant.

The burger at farm burger is tasty without being salty or fatty. That results in a little less juice and “crust” on the burger, but it makes up for it with the fact that its a perfectly cooked medium burger. You can really taste the meat.  As a complete burger it stands well on its own, as it should since this is strictly a burger place. I think the best way to describe it is that it’s the burger we all wished we made at home. We’d like to be the envy of our neighbors at every cook out by making this burger perfectly every time. You don’t have the emotional reaction to it the same way you do at Holeman & Finch, but after its done you’re completely satisfied. You don’t feel cheated at all. And because the burger is so clean you don’t feel heavy afterwards. You feel suitably filled but no need for a nap.

My final grade for Farm Burger is an A-. I only detract points due to the fact that not as much of the burger is house made. A house made bun and condiments are the only thing holding this burger back from a full “A” rating.

Cheeseburger Gauntlet Day 1

I’ve decided upon a path of insanity this week I’ve dubbed the Cheeseburger Gauntlet. Going to seven of the best known (or unknown depending on your foodie level) places in Atlanta to get a cheeseburger. One a day for seven days. Today was the first in this journey of culinary masochism.

First up: Holman and Finch

The personnel for this outing; myself, Stefan and Emily. I’ve put on roughly 10 lbs following Stefan’s 4Square updates for restaurants.  And aside from being Australia’s hottest import since Kylie Minogue, Emily has eaten in some pretty classy joints. Both are also really good cooks so its great to eat with people who know food.

Now onto the burger, how about a picture!

Holman and Finch Burger

What we have here is a completely house made burger, except the cheese. The bun, pickles, ketchup, and mustard are house made. The meat for the burger is ground in house, and formed into 4 oz. patties. The fries are hand cut in house as well. The burger is cooked on a griddle, not a grill. Personally I prefer the griddle to the grill.

The other thing about the Holman and Finch burger is the process in getting it. All that tastiness is available only two times. There are 24 sold every weeknight after 10:00 pm. Or you can get them during Sunday Brunch until they run out. We chose to go during Sunday brunch to start the week off.

Emily and I arrived first and since supply is an issue we took a hightop table near the bar and ordered drinks and burgers for the three of us.  Stefan arrived not long after and after a few minutes of conversations and several burgers passing by us that were in danger of being hijacked, our burgers actually arrived. The picture above proves how magnificent they looked.

We all set to dressing them. I’m a little peculiar on this point. I don’t approve of mustard and cheese being on the same side of a sandwich so I only put mustard on the bottom bun of the sandwich.  I may be the only person who doesn’t like the house ketchup but I don’t like any ketchup other than Heinz ketchup. Its purely a nostalgic thing though.

We all start eating by attacking the fries first. It’s like we’re all to dainty to attack the burger dead on. But once we did, see I wish there were another word to describe the taste. The only thing that comes to mind is “foodgasm” but you can’t very well going around saying foodgasm in front of your mom or other polite company. But that’s exactly what happens. All the flavors mingle perfectly the juicy burger, onions, mustard and cheese are all perfect together. The last time I saw this many parts come together so perfectly was the Stankonia album.

The first bite actually sent a litte juice dripping down my arm. If I hadn’t been in public I would have licked it off. To quote Stefan: “There is no gentlemanly or lady-like way to eat this burger.” It had the perfect amount of fat in the meat to flavor it and make it juicy. I could go on about how good it all was, but I don’t know enough words in any language from this planet. And even if I did, it would be cruel to you the reader.

One of the best things about this burger is that it actually inspires conversation. You know those meals where everyone gets quiet and just eats? This wasn’t that. We talked the entire time. It almost became a pattern, one person would talk while the other two ate. Inevitably one person would finish first and take up the conversation while the others ate and so on. We talked about everything from other places to get burgers, to learning Portuegese for the World Cup in 2014 and finally Jeremy Piven.

If I’m going to grade this burger it gets an A. It was tasty, juicy, and just messy enough.  All of the ingredients were fresh. And to be honest the only thing I didn’t like was the ketchup which is totally a me issue.

Curt’s People – Granny Petrol

I shop at the Dekalb Farmer’s market about once a week. If I’ve timed it right and not driven all over creation I can usually get gas at the same time a few blocks away at the Kroger. I shop at Kroger just enough to continue getting 10 cents off per gallon of gas. The important thing about this gas station is the layout. There is an attendant’s station in the middle with one 2-sided pump in front of it, and two sets of 2-sided pumps on either side.

On this trip I saw something that annoys the living crap out of me, but at the same time I understand it. There was an elderly woman filling up her over-sized gas guzzler of a Crown Victoria, but since we are now a pay before you pump or use a card society she realized she would have to pay before hand by writing a check. She went back to her pump immediately in front of the attendant and began pumping gas. Its important to note that I am the closest to her at this point at my pump.

If this was 1987 and we didn’t have a proliferation of check and debit cards I wouldn’t have been upset. And to be honest I still wasn’t upset because a) this didn’t have an effect on me since I paid at my pump and b) because she was elderly and I think any decent human being allows the elderly a little more time and patients. And that’s what every one did. In the afternoon heat, everyone stood there while she transacted her business with no complaints. This is what makes the scene all the stranger.

While I was pumping my gas there was another woman on the other side also filling up. What I didn’t know is that she had a friend in the now exceedingly long line waiting to buy two cokes. In the time it took her to finally get to the register and pay, the woman across from me finished pumping and pulled around to pick her up at the attendant’s booth. The lane she uses is the lane between Granny Petrol and myself. Effectively blocking us both in. As her friend was getting into the car, the elderly woman who had caused all the back up to begin with gets pissed and lays on her horn for a good 5 to 10 seconds.

Normally people would get upset at this behavior. Most of the people there did. Mostly due to the fact that they thought she would be a kindly old grandma who would wait patiently as we had all waited on her. But no! Granny Petrol was a product of her time. She was probably a Rosie the Riveter type during WWII and we didn’t be the Nazi’s by being patient. No we kicked ass and took names. Granny Petrol had her gas and had things to do and she didn’t want us young hipsters slowing her down so she let us have it in the best way possible. By blowing her horn at us all ad nauseum. Quite frankly we should all be thankful she didn’t start running us over with her car.

Granny Petrol is now under my protection as one of Curt’s People.

Curt’s People

Due to my job I interact with quite a few people.  Most of them are in a professional sense. But every once in a while I meet a doozie of a person that makes me question both of our sanity. More often than not I come to the conclusion that they are indeed insane, but that I must play along with their delusion if I’m going to survive the experience. I don’t think my life has ever been in real danger, but you never know what will set someone off.

I guess I just have one of those faces that says “Hey, come tell me your crazy rant. It’s okay. I WANT to hear why you have a hat made of tin-foil on.” And to be a little honest as long as I hear these stories, it lets me know that I am still a sane functioning member of society.  One of these meetings happened last Friday and I feel the need to share the experience with you.

Friday when I arrived at the job site I needed coffee. I had left mine on my desk and couldn’t function without some sort of caffeine. Luckily the site I was working at for the day has a rather nice food court so I was able to go to the Caribou Coffee while waiting on my contact.

I get my drink and sit on a bench where I’ll be easily spotted.  Next a man of Indian descent comes and sits on the other end of the bench. We exchange basic pleasantries and go back to our respective lives. This my friends is when the magic happens. A woman in her early 50′s I’d say comes shuffling up and favoring one leg. She’s dressed normally, jeans, shirt, bag with papers in it, not hobo like in the least. I make eye contact because I assume her leg is hurt and she needs a place to sit. I’d begun moving my papers to make space for her when she begins a conversation with me.

Her: “I’m skating to the gulf.”

Me: Excuse me?

Her: I’m skating to the gulf! You know how much of the world is underwater?

Me: 75%

Her: Give or take… You know the Georgians blew up that oil rig.

Me:…

Her: The other ones. From Russia. They blew it up… you’ll see.

It’s at this point I really understand that this woman is a stealth crazy person. She looks normal but is crazier than a Real Housewife of Mobile, Alabama at a shoe sale. But then something happens that lets you know that this woman has left reality and has no intention of ever coming back.

The Indian fellow from the other side of the bench sees the man that he was waiting to meet. He gets up and goes to meet him as they are going to walk to some other place for their meeting. My new friend NEVER SAW THE OTHER MAN. She only saw the Indian guy get up and walk away. She’s outright offended by it. She looks around for a few seconds startled and incredulous that he would walk away from his rant.

Her: Are you an American? Like a real born here in America American?

Me: Yes.

Her: I thought so. Something told me you were and that I had to talk to you.

At this point I really was curious. I’ve always wondered why hobos and crazy people feel the need to talk to me. I thought the vast conspiracy to drive me nuts was about to be revealed! This was like Robert Langdon meets the X-files. Instead she just points upwards. I presume she’s pointing to heaven, but then it could have been one of the upstairs tenants in the building. I thought it best not to press my luck wanting more answers.

Her: How old are you?

Me: 30.

By the way I know you shouldn’t tell strangers any personal info, but like I said earlier, when dealing with the possibly insane, give them enough info to keep them docile.

Her: Ohhh (looking concerned) you’re a black man too. Too bad you won’t live to see 40.

Then she shuffles off.  That’s it. End of conversation. She “skates” on to where ever she was headed and leaves me with that cryptic warning. If that’s not one of the most effed up conversations ever I don’t know what is.  It was so bizarre and there was no one around to hear it but me.

On the bright side, I’ve decided to make her the first recipient of the “Curt’s People” Award. As such my protection is upon her. She may not be harmed by anyone lest they risk my wrath. I also secretly hope that by giving her this award she allows me to live past 40.